I have set up another blog for my mission. My mom has graciously agreed to periodically updating it with my emails, pictures, etc... I'll also post updates on mission related things there before I go. Feel free to check it out sistershort.blogspot.com
Life has been pretty crazy the past few weeks. Lots of shopping and even more 'googling' the Florida Tallahassee Mission. My mom and I have most of my shopping done, thankfully. It was enjoyable until the last few trips where we were tired and stressed. (Fortunately we got chocolate on our last trip, so we managed to survive) I am so thankful to my mom and for all of the help she has given me. She answers all of my questions about mission life, the ones she can about the Temple (I go through on Wednesday!!), and numerous gospel questions that I hadn't thought about before. I really feel like I'm growing already. I'm studying more affectively, being active for more hours in the day and thus getting more done, and I'm spending more time with my family. It is hard to think that with the cross-over between Erek's mission and mine I won't see him for at least 3 years. Man, I'll miss that boy. I am scared out of my mind to go somewhere completely new with completely new people doing something I’ve never done before. I know that with the Lord’s help I can do this, but I’m still terrified.
I’ve come to realize that sacrifice is the secret to success. I have to sacrifice sleeping in for a good job and to prepare for my mission. When we fast we sacrifice food and water because we want blessings, or to show gratitude, more. When I sacrifice my time and money to go on a mission it is because I know that it is the Lord’s will. I will not let fear hold me back because my mission is worth sacrificing my comfort zone. This life is about giving up something we want for something we want more (ie: the natural man’s desires for living with Heavenly Father again). I don’t know if that makes much sense, but it is a pattern I have come to notice in my life.
I am so thankful for these experiences that I’m having. I am thankful for the opportunity I have to grow, and this time because of the good decisions I’m making rather than the consequence poor decisions made by others. I am thankful for the trials of my life because they have made me the person I am today. I have learned to rely on the Lord, to turn to Him through the scriptures and the Temple. I have learned to be more compassionate and to serve those in need. These are lessons I cherish and would not trade for anything. Yet, I am equally grateful that now I have to opportunity to further learn these lessons on my own. It is almost like before I was compelled to be humble and now I’m figuring out how to be humble on my own (emphasis on almost, I still have a long way to go).
Anyways, enough rambling. I’m really excited for all the things coming. I’m a little nervous to speak in church though (October 26th at 12:30) because while I bear my testimony all the time and have taught several lessons, I haven’t given a formal talk since I was 15 or 16. It is on the Plan of Salvation, so no matter how well I do, I will enjoy preparing for it and hopefully will be able to bring the Spirit.
The countdown has begun! Yesterday my mission papers were finally submitted to Salt Lake! I met with the Stake President & off they went. The meeting went great, and I was on a high all day (I still am) knowing that my papers were finally finished! It has been such a long process, but now I’m done. I just wait. Two to three weeks… I’m really hoping I’ll have it the end of next week. Then once I have my call, I’ll go through the Temple! Then a few weeks later I’ll be off to the MTC. So many changes are coming so fast. I’m ecstatic! I still can hardly sit still with anticipation & it is two weeks away!
So the activity went well on Saturday. We had about 200 people come, and while only about 130 actually went through all the rotations, there was a lot of mingling. A few people in my ward actually got phone numbers and even dates. I received several compliments and feel really good about all of it. It really was an inspired idea and I was thankful to receive that inspiration. I’m also very glad it is done. I got home Saturday night around 12 and my body just gave up and started to tremble a little. I slept very well (and in very late) that night. Sunday I was released as Stake YSA Rep. I didn’t know how it would feel, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. It was great to be able to make a difference and help get the new YSA program going in my area, but is really nice to not have to worry about it anymore. This is the first time I’ve been released from a calling & I didn’t feel like I was fired. I might be sadder if I wasn’t going on a mission.
Speaking of missions… my medical paperwork is finally done! I went to the doctor before work yesterday and dropped it off to Bishop Jones last night. On Sunday Brother Garner and the rest of the bishopric gave me a blessing and it is already coming to pass. I’ll meet with President Hall this week (hopefully) and have my call in a few weeks! I’m excited that it is finally coming.
Since Satan couldn’t stop my papers anymore, he went for a different approach. I’d been feeling a little sick to my stomach the past few days, but I chalked it up to stress from the activity. Last night I woke up at 3 with a horrible headache and my stomach nauseated. I took some Tums & Tylenol, but neither helped. When we got up for scriptures I asked Wayne for a blessing, which he gave me after we read. Before we started reading though, I started dry-heaving. It was miserable! My mom set me up with diet coke and lots of crackers to help me get through the day. I’m super hungry, but every bite/sip makes me want to barf. The blessing did help, especially with my headache, and I also didn’t throw up on the bus or in the car. I am thankful that mom knows so much and took the time early this morning to help me feel better and get out the door on time.
This week has been full of bumps, but I am a very blessed person. The hard part is those blessings often come because of trials & aren’t always apparent...
My car broke down Tuesday night. I went to start it to go home and nothing happened. I turns out it was my battery cables were damaged & I needed new brakes. I also needed two new tires, so nearly $700, two days, and one emotional break down, I have my car back & it is running beautifully. It is a blessing that it didn't break down until now, when I have a great job & can actually afford to pay for it. It was also a blessing that my cables went before my brakes or tires were completely dead so there wasn't more damage done.
My papers still aren't in. They got lost. My blood work & immunizations are all done, so I have an appointment at 7 am Monday morning to have another physical (technically a first for this doctor, but not my first in an attempt to get my papers done), and then I should be able to give them to my bishop that night, but at the rate everything has been going, I'm not holding my breath. It will be good though because my insurance changed so I need my perscriptions written for 3 months & I didn't know when I would find time to get that done, so Heavenly Father provided a way for that to happen. I also know that I will be able to turn my papers in when I'm supposed to, and that the delay has been for a reason. I was able to meet with Bishop Jones Wednesday night & I filled him in on everything. It was good to meet with him. He encouraged me to be patient & to not worry about things I can't control. He also offered to have the Bishopric give me a special blessing on Sunday. That will be a big help too.
The multi-stake ysa activity that has consumed my life the past few weeks is tomorrow. There have been bumps for that too... For the service portion I was going to have them color ABC books, but the humanitarian center no longer uses those, so I had to change it last minute to feece blankets. Mom & I were able to get the fleece last night, which had just gone on sale. If I had decided earlier I wouldn't have been able to get the cute ones we did because they weren't on sale. I have also been scrambling to find someone to run the room on physical touch- I haven't quite found the blessing in this one yet, but I'm sure it is there... Maybe I just haven't asked the right person & the blessing isn't for me at all.
Other than that, the activity planning/prep has gone very well. I even invited my neighbors to come (4 single guys, one is LDS). That was easy though because they came over to borrow something & saw all the stuff for it & my mom told them about it. All I had to do was take them a flyer. I also ws super excited because Sister Jones called me last night & told me that they had a call from a guy moving into the ward that saw the activity on-line & wanted more info. I was so glad that the website that I've put so much time & effort into has actually brought someone to an activity, well hopefully, he hasn't come yet...New job= new adventures. I started a new job last Tuesday and it is great! I ride the bus to and from with Ashley Hathcock and Staci Thomas, but the first day I got to the stop extra early just be safe, and at 6:45 a bus came. I thought the scheduled time was 6:53 and it was really early, but I didn’t realize there was one that also came at 6:35 that was really late. I didn’t see Ashley, but I didn’t want to miss the bus, so I got on. I didn’t know if it was my bus or where it was going. I started texting like my life depended upon it. I texted Ashley to see if she was late or if I got on the wrong bus, and I texted my mom and had her get online and try to find out what she could-what a trooper for getting up and looking stuff up for me so early. It was eventually established that there were several busses that followed the same route at different times. Ashley said to get off on the 4th stop, which I did, but not every stop was requested that morning, so it was the 5th stop on the route. I walked a block or so and found the building as well as Ashley and Staci. I had made it. After fearing that I would end up in a scary part of Phoenix with no idea where I was or how to get anywhere, I was riding up the elevator with anticipation of a new adventure. Thus far, no more bus problems, or any problems for that matter. It is still taking some getting used to being gone for almost 12 hours everyday, but it is great practice for the mission. I’m still working on getting my sleep patterns better so that when I go to bed at 10 I can actually fall asleep, but other than that I think I have the hang of it. I am so thankful for this great blessing in my life! It is a great job- great pay, temporary—so I can leave for my mission without leaving them hanging, great hours, and it will look great on my resume. I couldn’t ask for anything more :)
Blech. That is how I feel as I lay in bed staring at my ceiling. I have this disease where my brain won't shut up so I can sleep. I think it is called over active stupidity... Yep, sounds about right. Sometimes writing, organizing, sorting out, or just talking out my thoughts helps and since I'm too tired or organize or sort and while I mutter to myself, I try to avoid full conversations, so here I am. My laptop is hot on my lap, my glasses dirty, and my fingers keeping hitting the wrong keys, so lets see how this goes...
I got a great new job. It is at a law firm and I'll get to work with Ashley Hathcock and Stacy Thomas. It is full-time and pays well. It is out in Phoenix, so I'll have over an hour commute each way, but that'll be great to study and could even lead to missionary opportunities. As exciting as this is, it also means I've had to quit my other jobs. Dairy Queen and Fry's I had no problem quiting- I hated DQ, especially my potty mouth manager, and I hadn't even finished my training at Fry's. Quiting Bloomfield, the cpa's office, was harder. I've worked there for almost two years and I've gotten really close to some of the people there, especially Carla. It really is a fun atmosphere, well, Carla is fun, Mark (my boss) was always nosy and annoying... I liked the work I did there and I am going to miss Carla. I will miss Carla and Carl shooting rubber bands. I will miss Kirk always asking me what my plans for the weekend are. I'll miss Adam constantly quoting the office, I'm sure we had other common interests, but never bothered to find them out. I'll miss Curt, Caraline's older brother, being a little awkweird around me, not sure if I'm a co-worker or his little sister's friend. I'll miss La Dawn talking to me about her teenage daughters. It was a great office and was what I needed at the time. I've got great things ahead of me and this new job will only help, but I'm going to miss Bloomfield CFO.
Blech
In other news, everyone is freaking dating someone! David is dating the adorably Kamilynn. I couldn't be happier for them, I'm glad that David has found someone to like and that likes him back. I can't even count the number of receptions I've been to in the last bit, but tonight I went to Aaron & Allie Dahl's. They are so great together and the reception reflected their fun personalities. Jessie and Tyler make me extremely happy as well. I can't think of a better match for either of them. I just hope they get hitched before I leave for my mission. My own Dawnee Ray is getting married in less than a month to the wonderful Brother Robert. Ashley is still dating Collin... are they next? All I know is that I won't block her from catching the bouquet ;). Caraline was dating Mr. Ryan and tonight she went out with the ever so attractive Danny Levitt. Is two in one summer fair? I guess it is Caraline. Katie Hawkes and Lee have had their little EFY crushes, some more memorable than others... The only ones that aren't dating someone are Brooke and Katie Lew, and that is only as far as I know. It is a strange feeling to be so happy for all of these people, equally jealous, and then even more excited for a mission. My mom asked me if I was going on a mission just because there weren't any marriage prospects, and I quickly responded no. She challenged me to really pray and think about it, and I can still surely answer that marriage prospects or not, I not only want to go on mission, but it is what I'm supposed to be doing. Yet, my heart does still long to have what these people have found- someone to think about when I'm stuck at a traffic light, someone to call me just to see how my day was going, someone to stalk on facebook to find just one more picture of them (like you've never done it or at least thought about it), someone to snuggle with while watching a good movie, someone to save you a seat for Sunday School, someone to look for when you enter a room only to find that he was looking for you too. This is something I've never experienced, and while I don't regret any of my decisions in the relationship arena, I still feel like something is missing. I know, or at least hope, that someday my prince will come, but he sure is slow. Well, he does have another two years to get on his white horse, so in the meantime I guess I'll just stick to singing with my woodland friends.
Blech
Then there is my less than sane family. I'm worried sick about Danny. I miss him and wish he'd still come around. I concerned for Dallas & Jenn, Brandon, Chase, and Erek. I want them to make not just good choices, but the right choices. I want Dall & Jenn to take control of their futures- Dall to finish school and them to start a family. I want Brandon to get the help he needs, he still seems to be hurting so much and unless he corrects the problem he'll continue to repeat it. Chase is skinny, super skinny. Maybe he doesn't realize he looks good, but I hope he starts to eat more soon. Erek will forever be a worry of mine. He is too kind and submissive to really stand up for what he needs and often gets hurt in the process. I love them all so much. I know I have my problems too, and I'm sure they worry about me, but I think I realize my weaknesses and what needs to change. I don't always take those steps, but they do their best to help me and I hope I can do the same for them.
Blech
I'm really excited to go on a mission, but discouraged about how long it is taking. My papers are almost done, I'm just waiting on the last of the medical. I thought I'd be leaving in a few weeks, if not already gone. Sometimes it is harder than others to trust in the Lord and in His timing. I have to be careful to not let my righteous desire be overthrown my my impatience. I just hope I can do all the good I'm meant to do, in the field and here. I want to serve the Lord, I just have to remember that His will, not mine also includes His time.
Blech
So many feelings and thoughts about so many different things, most of them contradicting another one. Blech.
Tuesday I celebrated my 21st birthday. It was perfect. I slept in, had breakfast in bed, went out to lunch, watched a movie with my mom, just hung out most of the day, doing whatever my heart desired. Tonight Caraline took me to Applebees with Limher. I do wish a few other friends had been in town, but I couldn't have asked for a better birthday. In past years I've had parties and while that was great, it was appropriate that I celebrated differently as this will be a different year for me...
For me birthdays are a time for "new year" resolutions. It is a day personal to me (even though I know several others that share my birthday). It is the day I went embryo to infant, infant to toddler, toddler to child, child to teenager, teenager to adult. It is a day that shows me how far I've come while reminding me where I have been.
I remember one at my grandma's house when the boys put my underwear on the front lawn in the sprinklers while the girls were swimming. I guess I could have let the boys go swimming too, but clearly we didn't get along very well. To think that now they are returned missionaries and Priesthood holders...
I remember my eighth birthday. It was special because I was baptized. I remember when the bishop interviewed me and he asked if I was getting baptized because I knew the church is true or because it was what I was supposed to do. I remember having to think about it for a minute, especially because I so often did what was expected of me whether or not I wanted to, but I thought back on my eight years of life. I remembered reading (I struggled to read, let alone study) the Book of Mormon while my brothers played outside, or late at night when I should have been sleeping, but I would rather read. I didn't understand all the words, I still don't, but I knew what I felt. I felt happy and peaceful. I knew I was choosing the right and that my Heavenly Father was proud of me. I thought about the time I was practicing a primary song on the piano (a simplified version on a keyboard with three octaves) and feeling "the Spirit of God, like a fire is burning". I was mystified by this feeling. Then I remembered a hymn that talked about this new emotion. When I thought back on these brief, but memorable experiences, I knew that I could truthfully answer that I was being baptized because I knew the Church was true and because I wanted to be a member of it. Today I think back on that simple testimony and I am thankful that Heavenly Father blessed me with knowledge of Him, His love, and His gospel. It prepared me for the difficult times ahead. I could not have done it without that gift of testimony.
I remember my 13th or 14th birthday. We decorated our own cupcakes with frosting we had made and tried to squirt out of Ziploc bags with a corner cut off. It didn't work very well, and was messy, but it was fun. I had friends around me that loved and supported me during that awkward time of life. During a difficult time to, I was newly a child of divorced parents. While my friends couldn't fully understand, my Heavenly Father and Savior could. While They couldn't physically put their arms around me, They gave me great friends that could.
I remember my 18th birthday. I had already graduated and was getting ready to head off to BYU in just a few weeks. I felt on top of the world, I was done with high school, my family life was going pretty good, step and all, and I was off to my dream school. I remember the great mix and 'supplies' Caraline had given me to send me off to school. I remember the pillow from Katie that all my friends signed with "Somebody in Gilbert Loves Me" on it. I remember the Jerry Seinfeld book that Rustin gave me. I remember how confused I was- Rustin, who doesn't give presents gave me one, let alone a thoughtful one, Rustin who a few months earlier basically said he wasn't interested, went out of his way to get me a gift. Talk about mixed signals. I remember the pictures from Dawnee to take with me, a sweet book mark from Ashley and a sweet book from Mariah. (Sorry if I can't remember what you gave me...) I remember feeling on top of the world and ready to conquer anything and everything.
I remember last year, my 20th birthday. I was at home, and not just for the summer. I had moved back home the August before. I say it was just because it felt like the right thing to do, and it did feel like the right thing, but there were other reasons, a big one being my depression. I crashed during my 18th year of life, and just limped along for quite sometime, but I'd limped for too long. I need to get more help, from my family, from professionals, and I needed to learn to rely on my Savior again. I thought I had dealt with my past, but I had just pushed it aside and thought that going away to BYU would make it all go away. It didn't. But at age 20 I had finally figured out how to not just live with my depression, but how to remain in control. I had started to forgive my father and see him for the child of God that he is. I was getting along with all my brothers. It was after the turning point, but to me it was a time to recognize that I had turned.
Now I'm 21. I am preparing to serve a mission. I am entering a new and exciting part of my life. It is an unpredictable and a little unnerving time of life. I don't know where I'll be going, when I'll be going, what language I'll be speaking, all I know is that I'll be serving the Lord where He wants me to be. It hasn't been easy. Satan has been working overtime with not only my depression, but car troubles, insurance companies, doctors offices, causing bumps wherever possible. I know that more will come, yet I know that I will continue on this path. I know that I can do this. I wasn't always sure I could get through some of the rougher parts of my life, but the Lord has prepared me and I am ready. Not necessarily ready to save the world, or change lives, but ready to accept whatever may be next, ready to face my challenges and look for the blessings and lessons. I'm ready.
Happy Birthday to me.
No, the big 'D' is not my step-brother Dallas, or the terror of divorce, or anything else you may be thinking. It is a little embarrassing, but when I came back home from BYU I started working with a therapist to conquer my depression once and for all! Well, at least to get the tools to remain in control. One of these tools was too come up with a name for my depression, so that it was a separate entity, a thing that tried to take me over, rather than a part of me. This really helped, and recently I've brought this tool out again. For me the big 'D' isn't just depression, but also the Devil, for it is he that wants me to feel this way, and all the like emotions: dispair, discouragement, detached, disinterested, doubt, down-trodden... You get the idea.
I'm not entirely sure why I've had this new spike in these emotions, but my guess would be that Satan is working extra hard on me as I work on my mission papers. His new favorite seems to be doubt. Doubt that I can make a difference, that I'm really healthy enough, that it is even what I'm supposed to be doing. Fortunately this is an area the Lord helped me resolve quickly. However, other things still await to be resolved.
This has really not been an easy road for me, not that I expected it to be, it has just been harder in ways that I didn't expect. Getting all my doctor's appointments has proven harder than expected. Normally I can get in within a few days, but I had to wait quit sometime, and now our insurance has changed, so I may have to cancel that and wait even longer. I also developed not one, but five warts on my left foot, four of which have taken over my pinkie toe. I had the two I new about frozen, but they came back with a vengeance and a friend. One of which was under the bed of my nail and has just made itself at home while evicting my nail. Gross! How is it that I can go nearly 20 years with out a single wart and then get 5? I guess it is good that it is happening now and not in 3 or 4 months when it would affect the work, but it is hard to keep that in perspective when every step is painful. I try to remember that there is a reason that my papers aren't done and I don't have my call. It is on the Lord's timing and not mine.
Because apparently trying me emotionally/mentally and physically wasn't enough, I get to be tried financially too. I was fired from Mountainside Fitness. It was partially because of things I couldn't control, miscommunications, and things I should have communicated more clearly. It was really hard. I felt like a failure, like I wasn't good enough, like the hard work and dedication that I had given them wasn't enough. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I did give that job my all, and that in a fair and right world that would be enough, but that isn't the world we live in and we weren't sent here so everything would be fair. I loved the kids there, the kids loved me, the parents loved me, I worked more hours than anyone else, and I was always willing to help when asked. (I feel a little better knowing that three or four kids only I could console and that they had to cover over 30 hours a week until they hired someone and they didn't even have enough people willing to work to cover when others were sick...) Anyways, I'm still a little more bitter and upset than I would like, but I'm working on it. I've learned from it and I'm back on the search for a job.
Still, not enough of a challenge, I've felt more lonely than I have in a long time. I've had a few days in the past when I wished I had a special someone, or I missed a friend, but this is a different kind of lonely. I've gone through a lot of things that my friends haven't, and that they couldn't even understand, but this is more. When I went through my parents divorce, my family was all dealing with it together, when I had all these health problems my mom and a few friends could at least relate, when I was depressed people were placed in my life that could help me, moving to BYU I did on my own but with friends doing similar things and I made friends there. I feel like I'm doing this alone. My friends are all dating, some even getting married. They are on summer vacation, working and playing. I'm not. I'm not dating, I'm not even getting to play much. I'm preparing for a mission. I'm doing this alone. While I know that I am never completely alone, that Christ is always there helping me as He has in the past, this is the first time I've been this physically alone. I'm the only girl in my mission prep class. I'm the only one of my friends doing this, and while they are great and support me all they can, I still feel alone. I feel like I haven't adequately described my feelings, so let me try another way. All my life I have felt different because of the things I've gone through and the ways that they have caused me to grow. I've been the first to do a lot of things in my group of friends, the first to start her period, the first to have wisdom teeth removed, the first to get braces, the first to decide her major (I think I've always known I'd teach), the first to go to BYU, the only to have parents divorced, the only to have a close family member completely fall away from the church, the only to have a disease, endometriosis, that threatens my ability to have children, my bone health, and has caused multiple side affects including hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, and even lactation, the only one to have surgery, let alone four. In all of these things I didn't feel alone. Maybe this loneliness is just another attempt by Satan, maybe it is another trial to overcome, but right now it just feels like I'm just lonely. There is no purpose, there is no bigger picture, it is just the way it is. This is something I will do alone.
Despite all these road blocks, I know that I am doing the right thing for the right reasons. I can't wait to bring people to Christ, to be called and set apart as a witness of Him and His gospel. I know that only by living the gospel, can we be happy. I am anxious to share this truth with the people the Lord has prepared. I'm excited to be an instrument in His hand. I can't help but smile when I think about serving Him and doing nothing else for 18 months. I'm excited for all the new things I'll learn, the new ways I'll grow and be stretched. I'm ecstatic to go through the Temple, to make covenants with my Heavenly Father as I receive my endowments. This is an exciting time of life, full of new and wonderful things. Knowing the blessings I've received, the ones I'm receiving, and the ones the Lord has in store, I'll happily take all these trials and more.
These are from one of our numerous girls nights. Can anyone beat brownies and painting toe nails? I submit that they cannot. Except maybe the time we went to see the "Reflections of Christ" display at the visitor's center. It was an amazing experience and I'm so happy that we got to share together.
This is from the ward camp out that she planned beautifully! The dog belonged to a drunk guy that was getting arrested right by our campsite. Katie and I drove up together and successfully pitched not one, but two tents! We're pretty much the coolest people ever! Several of us went on a walk to look at the stars and Katie told us lots of stories about the constellations. That night she also serenaded all of us with her wonderful music. I can hardly wait until her CD comes out on i-tunes!
It seams that Katie and I like to eat... a lot... The top is at a surprise birthday party for Katie's roommate, the bottom is at Katie's birthday party (in case you couldn't tell by her blowing out the candles). Katie and I work well because she likes being the center of parties, and love throwing them :) I think that means it is meant to be or something....
The times above were lots of fun, but it seems the best times I had with Katie were in a car. Whether it be at Sonic (which it frequently was), or the institute parking lot, outside her house, or outside mine, we had our best talks in the car. I loved talking with her about all my thoughts and feelings. I loved discussing our hopes and dreams, our thoughts on the future, and always, our frustrations with boys. Katie is also the only person that it isn't awkward to hug in a car, which made the end of our conversations much easier.
Remember the old sing-alongs where the words would light up and there was a bouncing ball telling you when to sing each word. I feel like I'm following that same bouncing ball, but in a different way. I feel like the bouncing ball is my emotions and health, but all I can do is just keep singing along with the bouncing ball. A week ago I was on top of the world- my room was clean, work was going well, I didn't feel sick, and I felt balanced and in control. Then the ball bounced. Last Thursday I crashed hard. I slept from Thursday at 2 until Saturday at about 11. I did wake up to eat and go to the bathroom, but other than that I was pretty dead to the world. I did make it to Erek's play Saturday night and I was really glad I went. I forget how much it means to have people come to your performances. I went to church on Sunday and then I was done. I was exhausted again. I stayed home Monday and got a bunch of homework done and re-cooped mentally. I was feeling really discouraged because I had been so sick. I was sick of being sick. I was discouraged that I might not be able to serve a mission if I couldn't be healthy for more than a few weeks at a time. I had to work really hard to get out of the funk. I had to recognize that it was Satan that wanted me to feel down, and because I realized that I can start my papers next week (I had to wait until I would have enough money), he was working extra hard. I did have the fantastic fact that I was on my period, but the pain of my cramping was dramatically decreased! All I needed was ibuprofen- no pain killers! Which means that I won't have to worry about that on my mission. I was afraid that once every three months I'd be down and out for a week, which is not acceptable, but I won't even be down for a day! I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Life is really busy right now, my grades won't be the greatest this semester, I'm not getting things like laundry and cleaning done regularly, but I'm on track for my mission. I'm working hard. I'm working long hours, and I'm succeeding. So while the bouncing ball does occasionally hit the bottom, it spends more time in the air. If the ball stops bouncing, the song ends. My song is not going to end. I'll keep on bouncing.
Last weekend was Stake Conference and the messages were exactly what I needed to hear. It was a few brief statements that meant the most to me. Saturday night at the adult session Paul Allen (one my ward's E.Q. Presidents) talked about missionary work. I don't remember what exactly he said, but I do remember how I felt. I was blessed with an overwhelming reminder of why I am working two jobs and going crazy with everything I'm doing. Missionary Work. I'm doing all of this right now so that I can serve a mission. It helped to put everything into perspective. Then on Saturday Sister Walker (Stake R.S. President & Caraline's mom) mentioned teaching children. I was reminded why I am going to school and not just working. It reminded me why I am getting an education degree and not just some general one. I not only want to teach children, but I'm called to do it. It was a great weekend of reminders. It helped me feel less crazy and more purposeful. I couldn't tell you what the other speakers said, but I can tell you that the Lord worked through them to help me through this rough time. He wants me to serve a mission. He wants me to teach. He is going to help me do both.
"I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?" -Chastity
"I think you can in Europe." -Bianca --10 Things I Hate About You
Ok, I'm moving to Europe! I can't seem to find a balance in my life. When I was working one job, I really was underwhelmed, with too much extra time, so I wasn't productive. Now that I'm working two jobs, I feel overwhelmed all the time! I Can't I just be whelmed!?!? I keep telling myself that it will get better, that I'll adjust, but so far it hasn't happened. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, just overwhelmed. I want to do better in my scripture study, I want to attend more ward activities, I want to do better on my school work, I want to do so many different things, all good things too, I feel torn in a million directions. I feel like I'm treading water, with my head just high enough that I can keep breathing, but feeling panicked the entire time because I can't keep going like this. I guess for now all I can do is keep trying to swim (just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming -- ok, I probably watch too many movies...) Last Sunday the Relief Society lesson was on the talk "Good, Better, Best." But is the best right now to be working rather than studying academically or spiritually. Isn't that backwards? It sure feels that way. So I'm torn, drowning, backwards, and done with my analogies.
I'm also in a social rut, and not because I'm so busy, but because I have no desire to go out. Last weekend I studied, the weekends before that I used being sick as an excuse to not do anything. My social interaction consists of work, church, and an occasional I cream with Katie Lewis. Lame. I don't really feel a desire to change it. I'd rather sit at home and read than talk to people I don't really want to talk to. Now, it isn't because I don't like these people, or that I find them annoying, I just don't want to socialize. Sometimes that is a symptom of my depression, but in this case I think it is just social apathy. I know, or rather, I think I should care that I have no social life, but I really don't mind, most of the time I don't even notice. Is that weird? Probably. Oh well. I'm supposed to be "peculiar," maybe I am in more ways than I thought.
The title is slightly misleading, as the two statements have nothing to do with each other, but everything to do with my life right now...
I've been working at Mountainside for about three weeks now, and I was offered the evening supervisor position at another gym. Granted, it should probably be someone who isn't married with kids, because to work evenings would be too hard, so that did rule out some qualified people. Still, there are several girls that I work with that are single and actually usually work evenings, and I was offered the job even though I've only been there a few weeks. I know I'm tooting my own horn, but I was very flattered. Also, when I did "circle time" (a time when the kids clean everything up and then we sing songs, read, and play games) I was complemented a lot by one co-worker, Bekki, who I deeply respect, and Jean, my manager. They have complemented me on several different things, but especially how well I can keep the attention of kids. Working here has just reassured me that I want to work with kids forever! I think that maybe when I get back from my mission I will change my major to early childhood education and then run a preschool out of my home someday. I love working with the little kids. I love singing songs and coloring. What is better than reading a book with ten kids sitting as close as possible to you? I am so happy when I'm at work, I even forget about some of my lame co-workers who skip out on doing their jobs.
In other news, I'm finally feeling healthy! I have been sick with one bug or another for a month! As a part of this I developed night sweats. Gross, I know, but it is true. I would have to start on one side of my bed, and when I woke up soaked, I would roll to the other side so my sheets would dry. Well, last night I slept soundly with no sweating. That is when I realized that I was really feeling good for the first time in a long time. I still have allergies, but that is just annoying, it doesn't make me feel sick. I am so thankful to be feeling better! I feel like I passed that test or something, like I proved that I could keep going even when I'm really sick. I went to work and everything! Even when I had strep! Now that test is over, and it feels good, but I also know that Satan won't rest and the Lord wants to prepare me, so it is only a matter of time before the next. No sweat! I can do it. With the help of the Lord, I can do anything!
I've been sick for so long! I've gone from one virus to another, or possibly the same one, but either way, I've been sick for over three weeks! It recently got really bad so I finally went to the doctor yesterday to get some medicine. I woke up really itchy and at work I noticed a rash. Yes, a rash, that means strep throat. Oh goody. I haven't had strep for several years, not since I was a kid. I went to the doctor, who was actually a very friendly and happy man- very positive. He did a quick strep test and you guessed it, it came back positive. Isn't that misleading? Positive? Strep throat isn't exactly a good thing... I guess it is good to get some medicine. I highly recommend a "z-pack" for any bacterial ailment! I'm already feeling much better, I still have a cold and probably will for a few more weeks, but that is liveable. I'm really proud of myself because through all of this I haven't missed any work, I've even picked up several extra shifts at Mountainside. This week I will have worked there Monday through Saturday! Twice what I normally do. I've fallen behind a bit in my classwork and cleaning my room while I've been sick, but I haven't called in sick, I haven't used it as a crutch or excuse to sleep all day (though I have been sleeping all night, going to bed around 5 sometimes!). I am kicking some depression trash! I've been POSITIVE about everything. Me being sick has really been a good thing. I have been home for things I wouldn't have been otherwise. I have seen that I can keep going when I'm sick. I can go on a mission and not let my health hinder the work. I will win, the Lord will win! I am so thankful for the Lord's influence and help in my life, I could not have done it without Him!
I got another job! I am working at Mountainside Fitness in child care. It just fell perfectly into place. I went in for an interview and was offered the job on the spot, buy Otto's mom! Small world! I work with Becky, wife of Adam, one of the accountants at BCFO. Corey Gillett also works at there too. So fun! Well, before I could start, I had to get fingerprinted and and drug tested... which means I had to pee in a cup. Something I struggle doing... I have a bladder that has me running to the bathroom frequently, but it is extremely shy, so that no matter how much water I drink, I struggle to pee in a cup. Anyways, the title 'Piston Cup' is courtesy of Katie Lewis's nephew, Eric. When he heard Piston Cup on 'Cars' he said 'what did he do in his cup?'
I love my job. I love working with so many different kids and seeing all their different personalities. I love being able to calm down some of the more difficult kids. I love that they easily warm up to me. I love it when they are excited to see me. I love coloring and reading with them. I love playing peek-a-boo. I love it that they even try to help me clean the toys. It is such a great job!!
It has been hard trying to manage two jobs, school, and family. I'm not getting as much sleep as I'm used to, but I'm adjusting and it feels good to be active and accomplishing a lot. Life is hard, but good. I'm being pushed and prepared. It isn't always great, sometimes the kids at work won't stop crying, or they give me thier colds, or Mark just really bugs me at BCFO, but the not so good help me to appreciate the good.
I hate feeling confused, not knowing what I should do, or when to do it. I hate feeling torn between my desires, what I think is the right thing to do, and most of all what my mom thinks the right thing to do is. I've decided to go on a mission and I know it is the right thing to do. I know that is the Lord's will for me. It is in all the details that I am, or was, confused. My mom wants me to wait a few months to turn in my papers, until I have better control over my depression, but I really feel like I need to do it now, and that having a date that I need to be ready to go by will help me to push myself. She feels really strongly about this, but so do I. I was afraid that I was forcing a yes from the Lord, like I didn't really turn my will over to Him because the answer I got is the one I wanted. But I really hate going against my mom and how she feels. I also know I need to find another job to earn more money, but I'm wasn't sure where and was having a ton of obstacles pop up out of no where.
Well, this past week and a bit I have had an awful cold, one of the worst I've ever had, and yesterday I had one of the worst headaches I had ever had. Nothing would get rid of my headache, and I tried everything. I asked Wayne for a blessing for my headache, but it ended up being so much more! He, acting on behalf of Heavenly Father, blessed me that I might "know things" and that I would do the Lord's will, and not what my mom, Wayne, or even I wanted. There were several other wonderful things said, but these things made the biggest difference to me. Thursday night I looked for job postings and Friday morning, before the blessing I felt like maybe Buffalo Wild Wings would be a good option, the blessing re-affirmed to me that I need to do something like that. I need to break out of my comfort zone, I need to get used to seeing beer, so that as I enter someone's home on my mission I don't look shocked, or judgemental. It may sound weird, but I feel like I really need to get used to being around alcohol and people that are fairly drunk. I also realized, that if I feel it is the Lord's will to turn in my papers now, that it doesn't matter what my mom wants me to do, or Wayne, just the Lord. I know this now. I know that while my mom can receive revelation for me, so can I! I guess I had always just thought that since she was my mom, she trumped me, but the reality is the Lord trumps us all! Anyways, after all these roller coaster emotions, I feel peace. I am meeting with my Bishop tomorrow and I'm going to tell him more about my depression, and how bad it got, and tell him what my mom thinks, and what I feel. I know that he is my Priesthood leader, and can guide me as such. I still hope to start my papers either this week or next. A while ago, the Lord had been showing me lots of things about timing, and how it had to be the right timing. I realize it would be easier to not turn in my papers now, to not have to find a job in the next week, to not have to work like crazy, to have plenty of time to change my sleep schedule, but that isn't how it works. The best things in life aren't easy. The next few months will be crazy with school, two jobs, and trying to spiritually prepare, not to mention trying to find clothes that are actually long enough. And then the eighteen months after that will be busy, but busy serving the Lord and His children. I am scared to have so many changes, scared that I will really struggle, or that people won't like me, but I'm determined. I will succeed, not in the world's standards, or even my own, but by the Lord's. I know this is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know my Savior and Redeemer lives, loves, and knows me personally. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and will do everything possible to help me. I know that I am meant to go on a mission, and not in the future, but now. I have been blessed to "know things". I no longer feel confused and anxious. I have been blessed to feel peace.
On Saturday I helped a new family in the ward move into a house down the street. It only took a few hours, so I had time to kill- so did Skyler. He is a cute blonde 4 yr old with lots to say but not the ability to do so. He showed me the collections of pinecones and sticks that he had found while everyone else was moving boxes. Then we went and played at the park. He build a volcano out of the sand and I watched. It was great to watch him move the dirt around from pile to pile, like he didn't realize that everything around him was dirt. Eventually I had to get things done, so I took him home with his collection of sticks and pinecones that he insisted on bringing.
Sunday night my mom took some food to them and Skyler asked "Where's that girl?" For some reason that hit me. Where is that girl that played with a four year old for a couple hours on a Saturday afternoon? Where is that girl that helped her neighbors move? Where is that girl that got up at 8 am on a Saturday? Where is that girl? Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people- happy, good me, and depressed me. I hate it when I let the depression win, when I stay in bed all morning, when I avoid social outings, when I ignore my family, when I don't read my scriptures. Where is the girl that is an outgoing leader? Where is the girl who loves to help her family and friends? Where is the girl that is preparing for a mission? Where is the girl who loves to study and learn? Where is that girl? I'm not sure where she keeps going, but this time she is here to stay! I'm going to be that girl! No one, myself included, will ever have to ask where is that girl again!
Thanks Skyler.
So this isn't my first blog, but since all my friends and family seem to be using blogspot & I've never been much of a trend setter, why not jump on the bandwagon. I've used xanga in the past, so if you care to, or you are really bored, or you are procrastinating homework, feel free to check it out at http://www.xanga.com/alissatall.
I can pretty much guarantee that there won't be lots of great romance stories, no kids saying cute new things, no anecdotes of my grand adventures. I don't have cute kids like my cousins, I don't have boys in my life like my friends, I'm pretty much just me. Alissa Marie. I love my middle name. It is a really common middle name, but that also means it ties me to other people. I'm never been particularly fond of my last name, Short, because of all the lame jokes that follow since I'm 6 feet tall. I also know, or rather hope, that someday it will change, but I will always be Alissa Marie.
There are other names that identify me as well. To Erek, I'm Lucy- for some reason he associates me with I Love Lucy- always saying "Lucy, you've got some splanin to do" in a really bad Ricky Ricardo voice. I don't know how it started, but it stuck and I love it. To some I'm 'lis or 'lissa. Familiar, close, loving. I once was Weesa to Danny when he couldn't say my name yet. I miss those young innocent years. I've been Allison, Alicia, Alisha, and many others as my step brothers- especially Brandon- tried to learn my name. While a rose by any other name would smell just a sweet, the word rose has meaning because of its representation. I don't know if that makes sense, but what I'm trying to say is that there isn't anything in a name, except what that person makes it.
Anyways, this is the first of many freakishly long posts to come. My thoughts are often unorganized and random, but that is part of what makes me Alissa Marie.
