The Big 'D'

No, the big 'D' is not my step-brother Dallas, or the terror of divorce, or anything else you may be thinking. It is a little embarrassing, but when I came back home from BYU I started working with a therapist to conquer my depression once and for all! Well, at least to get the tools to remain in control. One of these tools was too come up with a name for my depression, so that it was a separate entity, a thing that tried to take me over, rather than a part of me. This really helped, and recently I've brought this tool out again. For me the big 'D' isn't just depression, but also the Devil, for it is he that wants me to feel this way, and all the like emotions: dispair, discouragement, detached, disinterested, doubt, down-trodden... You get the idea.
I'm not entirely sure why I've had this new spike in these emotions, but my guess would be that Satan is working extra hard on me as I work on my mission papers. His new favorite seems to be doubt. Doubt that I can make a difference, that I'm really healthy enough, that it is even what I'm supposed to be doing. Fortunately this is an area the Lord helped me resolve quickly. However, other things still await to be resolved.
This has really not been an easy road for me, not that I expected it to be, it has just been harder in ways that I didn't expect. Getting all my doctor's appointments has proven harder than expected. Normally I can get in within a few days, but I had to wait quit sometime, and now our insurance has changed, so I may have to cancel that and wait even longer. I also developed not one, but five warts on my left foot, four of which have taken over my pinkie toe. I had the two I new about frozen, but they came back with a vengeance and a friend. One of which was under the bed of my nail and has just made itself at home while evicting my nail. Gross! How is it that I can go nearly 20 years with out a single wart and then get 5? I guess it is good that it is happening now and not in 3 or 4 months when it would affect the work, but it is hard to keep that in perspective when every step is painful. I try to remember that there is a reason that my papers aren't done and I don't have my call. It is on the Lord's timing and not mine.
Because apparently trying me emotionally/mentally and physically wasn't enough, I get to be tried financially too. I was fired from Mountainside Fitness. It was partially because of things I couldn't control, miscommunications, and things I should have communicated more clearly. It was really hard. I felt like a failure, like I wasn't good enough, like the hard work and dedication that I had given them wasn't enough. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I did give that job my all, and that in a fair and right world that would be enough, but that isn't the world we live in and we weren't sent here so everything would be fair. I loved the kids there, the kids loved me, the parents loved me, I worked more hours than anyone else, and I was always willing to help when asked. (I feel a little better knowing that three or four kids only I could console and that they had to cover over 30 hours a week until they hired someone and they didn't even have enough people willing to work to cover when others were sick...) Anyways, I'm still a little more bitter and upset than I would like, but I'm working on it. I've learned from it and I'm back on the search for a job.
Still, not enough of a challenge, I've felt more lonely than I have in a long time. I've had a few days in the past when I wished I had a special someone, or I missed a friend, but this is a different kind of lonely. I've gone through a lot of things that my friends haven't, and that they couldn't even understand, but this is more. When I went through my parents divorce, my family was all dealing with it together, when I had all these health problems my mom and a few friends could at least relate, when I was depressed people were placed in my life that could help me, moving to BYU I did on my own but with friends doing similar things and I made friends there. I feel like I'm doing this alone. My friends are all dating, some even getting married. They are on summer vacation, working and playing. I'm not. I'm not dating, I'm not even getting to play much. I'm preparing for a mission. I'm doing this alone. While I know that I am never completely alone, that Christ is always there helping me as He has in the past, this is the first time I've been this physically alone. I'm the only girl in my mission prep class. I'm the only one of my friends doing this, and while they are great and support me all they can, I still feel alone. I feel like I haven't adequately described my feelings, so let me try another way. All my life I have felt different because of the things I've gone through and the ways that they have caused me to grow. I've been the first to do a lot of things in my group of friends, the first to start her period, the first to have wisdom teeth removed, the first to get braces, the first to decide her major (I think I've always known I'd teach), the first to go to BYU, the only to have parents divorced, the only to have a close family member completely fall away from the church, the only to have a disease, endometriosis, that threatens my ability to have children, my bone health, and has caused multiple side affects including hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, and even lactation, the only one to have surgery, let alone four. In all of these things I didn't feel alone. Maybe this loneliness is just another attempt by Satan, maybe it is another trial to overcome, but right now it just feels like I'm just lonely. There is no purpose, there is no bigger picture, it is just the way it is. This is something I will do alone.
Despite all these road blocks, I know that I am doing the right thing for the right reasons. I can't wait to bring people to Christ, to be called and set apart as a witness of Him and His gospel. I know that only by living the gospel, can we be happy. I am anxious to share this truth with the people the Lord has prepared. I'm excited to be an instrument in His hand. I can't help but smile when I think about serving Him and doing nothing else for 18 months. I'm excited for all the new things I'll learn, the new ways I'll grow and be stretched. I'm ecstatic to go through the Temple, to make covenants with my Heavenly Father as I receive my endowments. This is an exciting time of life, full of new and wonderful things. Knowing the blessings I've received, the ones I'm receiving, and the ones the Lord has in store, I'll happily take all these trials and more.