Happy Birthday to ME!

Tuesday I celebrated my 21st birthday. It was perfect. I slept in, had breakfast in bed, went out to lunch, watched a movie with my mom, just hung out most of the day, doing whatever my heart desired. Tonight Caraline took me to Applebees with Limher. I do wish a few other friends had been in town, but I couldn't have asked for a better birthday. In past years I've had parties and while that was great, it was appropriate that I celebrated differently as this will be a different year for me...
For me birthdays are a time for "new year" resolutions. It is a day personal to me (even though I know several others that share my birthday). It is the day I went embryo to infant, infant to toddler, toddler to child, child to teenager, teenager to adult. It is a day that shows me how far I've come while reminding me where I have been.
I remember one at my grandma's house when the boys put my underwear on the front lawn in the sprinklers while the girls were swimming. I guess I could have let the boys go swimming too, but clearly we didn't get along very well. To think that now they are returned missionaries and Priesthood holders...
I remember my eighth birthday. It was special because I was baptized. I remember when the bishop interviewed me and he asked if I was getting baptized because I knew the church is true or because it was what I was supposed to do. I remember having to think about it for a minute, especially because I so often did what was expected of me whether or not I wanted to, but I thought back on my eight years of life. I remembered reading (I struggled to read, let alone study) the Book of Mormon while my brothers played outside, or late at night when I should have been sleeping, but I would rather read. I didn't understand all the words, I still don't, but I knew what I felt. I felt happy and peaceful. I knew I was choosing the right and that my Heavenly Father was proud of me. I thought about the time I was practicing a primary song on the piano (a simplified version on a keyboard with three octaves) and feeling "the Spirit of God, like a fire is burning". I was mystified by this feeling. Then I remembered a hymn that talked about this new emotion. When I thought back on these brief, but memorable experiences, I knew that I could truthfully answer that I was being baptized because I knew the Church was true and because I wanted to be a member of it. Today I think back on that simple testimony and I am thankful that Heavenly Father blessed me with knowledge of Him, His love, and His gospel. It prepared me for the difficult times ahead. I could not have done it without that gift of testimony.
I remember my 13th or 14th birthday. We decorated our own cupcakes with frosting we had made and tried to squirt out of Ziploc bags with a corner cut off. It didn't work very well, and was messy, but it was fun. I had friends around me that loved and supported me during that awkward time of life. During a difficult time to, I was newly a child of divorced parents. While my friends couldn't fully understand, my Heavenly Father and Savior could. While They couldn't physically put their arms around me, They gave me great friends that could.
I remember my 18th birthday. I had already graduated and was getting ready to head off to BYU in just a few weeks. I felt on top of the world, I was done with high school, my family life was going pretty good, step and all, and I was off to my dream school. I remember the great mix and 'supplies' Caraline had given me to send me off to school. I remember the pillow from Katie that all my friends signed with "Somebody in Gilbert Loves Me" on it. I remember the Jerry Seinfeld book that Rustin gave me. I remember how confused I was- Rustin, who doesn't give presents gave me one, let alone a thoughtful one, Rustin who a few months earlier basically said he wasn't interested, went out of his way to get me a gift. Talk about mixed signals. I remember the pictures from Dawnee to take with me, a sweet book mark from Ashley and a sweet book from Mariah. (Sorry if I can't remember what you gave me...) I remember feeling on top of the world and ready to conquer anything and everything.
I remember last year, my 20th birthday. I was at home, and not just for the summer. I had moved back home the August before. I say it was just because it felt like the right thing to do, and it did feel like the right thing, but there were other reasons, a big one being my depression. I crashed during my 18th year of life, and just limped along for quite sometime, but I'd limped for too long. I need to get more help, from my family, from professionals, and I needed to learn to rely on my Savior again. I thought I had dealt with my past, but I had just pushed it aside and thought that going away to BYU would make it all go away. It didn't. But at age 20 I had finally figured out how to not just live with my depression, but how to remain in control. I had started to forgive my father and see him for the child of God that he is. I was getting along with all my brothers. It was after the turning point, but to me it was a time to recognize that I had turned.
Now I'm 21. I am preparing to serve a mission. I am entering a new and exciting part of my life. It is an unpredictable and a little unnerving time of life. I don't know where I'll be going, when I'll be going, what language I'll be speaking, all I know is that I'll be serving the Lord where He wants me to be. It hasn't been easy. Satan has been working overtime with not only my depression, but car troubles, insurance companies, doctors offices, causing bumps wherever possible. I know that more will come, yet I know that I will continue on this path. I know that I can do this. I wasn't always sure I could get through some of the rougher parts of my life, but the Lord has prepared me and I am ready. Not necessarily ready to save the world, or change lives, but ready to accept whatever may be next, ready to face my challenges and look for the blessings and lessons. I'm ready.
Happy Birthday to me.