Peace

I hate feeling confused, not knowing what I should do, or when to do it. I hate feeling torn between my desires, what I think is the right thing to do, and most of all what my mom thinks the right thing to do is. I've decided to go on a mission and I know it is the right thing to do. I know that is the Lord's will for me. It is in all the details that I am, or was, confused. My mom wants me to wait a few months to turn in my papers, until I have better control over my depression, but I really feel like I need to do it now, and that having a date that I need to be ready to go by will help me to push myself. She feels really strongly about this, but so do I. I was afraid that I was forcing a yes from the Lord, like I didn't really turn my will over to Him because the answer I got is the one I wanted. But I really hate going against my mom and how she feels. I also know I need to find another job to earn more money, but I'm wasn't sure where and was having a ton of obstacles pop up out of no where.
Well, this past week and a bit I have had an awful cold, one of the worst I've ever had, and yesterday I had one of the worst headaches I had ever had. Nothing would get rid of my headache, and I tried everything. I asked Wayne for a blessing for my headache, but it ended up being so much more! He, acting on behalf of Heavenly Father, blessed me that I might "know things" and that I would do the Lord's will, and not what my mom, Wayne, or even I wanted. There were several other wonderful things said, but these things made the biggest difference to me. Thursday night I looked for job postings and Friday morning, before the blessing I felt like maybe Buffalo Wild Wings would be a good option, the blessing re-affirmed to me that I need to do something like that. I need to break out of my comfort zone, I need to get used to seeing beer, so that as I enter someone's home on my mission I don't look shocked, or judgemental. It may sound weird, but I feel like I really need to get used to being around alcohol and people that are fairly drunk. I also realized, that if I feel it is the Lord's will to turn in my papers now, that it doesn't matter what my mom wants me to do, or Wayne, just the Lord. I know this now. I know that while my mom can receive revelation for me, so can I! I guess I had always just thought that since she was my mom, she trumped me, but the reality is the Lord trumps us all! Anyways, after all these roller coaster emotions, I feel peace. I am meeting with my Bishop tomorrow and I'm going to tell him more about my depression, and how bad it got, and tell him what my mom thinks, and what I feel. I know that he is my Priesthood leader, and can guide me as such. I still hope to start my papers either this week or next. A while ago, the Lord had been showing me lots of things about timing, and how it had to be the right timing. I realize it would be easier to not turn in my papers now, to not have to find a job in the next week, to not have to work like crazy, to have plenty of time to change my sleep schedule, but that isn't how it works. The best things in life aren't easy. The next few months will be crazy with school, two jobs, and trying to spiritually prepare, not to mention trying to find clothes that are actually long enough. And then the eighteen months after that will be busy, but busy serving the Lord and His children. I am scared to have so many changes, scared that I will really struggle, or that people won't like me, but I'm determined. I will succeed, not in the world's standards, or even my own, but by the Lord's. I know this is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know my Savior and Redeemer lives, loves, and knows me personally. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and will do everything possible to help me. I know that I am meant to go on a mission, and not in the future, but now. I have been blessed to "know things". I no longer feel confused and anxious. I have been blessed to feel peace.