Follow the Bouncing Ball

Remember the old sing-alongs where the words would light up and there was a bouncing ball telling you when to sing each word. I feel like I'm following that same bouncing ball, but in a different way. I feel like the bouncing ball is my emotions and health, but all I can do is just keep singing along with the bouncing ball. A week ago I was on top of the world- my room was clean, work was going well, I didn't feel sick, and I felt balanced and in control. Then the ball bounced. Last Thursday I crashed hard. I slept from Thursday at 2 until Saturday at about 11. I did wake up to eat and go to the bathroom, but other than that I was pretty dead to the world. I did make it to Erek's play Saturday night and I was really glad I went. I forget how much it means to have people come to your performances. I went to church on Sunday and then I was done. I was exhausted again. I stayed home Monday and got a bunch of homework done and re-cooped mentally. I was feeling really discouraged because I had been so sick. I was sick of being sick. I was discouraged that I might not be able to serve a mission if I couldn't be healthy for more than a few weeks at a time. I had to work really hard to get out of the funk. I had to recognize that it was Satan that wanted me to feel down, and because I realized that I can start my papers next week (I had to wait until I would have enough money), he was working extra hard. I did have the fantastic fact that I was on my period, but the pain of my cramping was dramatically decreased! All I needed was ibuprofen- no pain killers! Which means that I won't have to worry about that on my mission. I was afraid that once every three months I'd be down and out for a week, which is not acceptable, but I won't even be down for a day! I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Life is really busy right now, my grades won't be the greatest this semester, I'm not getting things like laundry and cleaning done regularly, but I'm on track for my mission. I'm working hard. I'm working long hours, and I'm succeeding. So while the bouncing ball does occasionally hit the bottom, it spends more time in the air. If the ball stops bouncing, the song ends. My song is not going to end. I'll keep on bouncing.

Remembering Why

Last weekend was Stake Conference and the messages were exactly what I needed to hear. It was a few brief statements that meant the most to me. Saturday night at the adult session Paul Allen (one my ward's E.Q. Presidents) talked about missionary work. I don't remember what exactly he said, but I do remember how I felt. I was blessed with an overwhelming reminder of why I am working two jobs and going crazy with everything I'm doing. Missionary Work. I'm doing all of this right now so that I can serve a mission. It helped to put everything into perspective. Then on Saturday Sister Walker (Stake R.S. President & Caraline's mom) mentioned teaching children. I was reminded why I am going to school and not just working. It reminded me why I am getting an education degree and not just some general one. I not only want to teach children, but I'm called to do it. It was a great weekend of reminders. It helped me feel less crazy and more purposeful. I couldn't tell you what the other speakers said, but I can tell you that the Lord worked through them to help me through this rough time. He wants me to serve a mission. He wants me to teach. He is going to help me do both.

Whelmed

"I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?" -Chastity
"I think you can in Europe." -Bianca --10 Things I Hate About You

Ok, I'm moving to Europe! I can't seem to find a balance in my life. When I was working one job, I really was underwhelmed, with too much extra time, so I wasn't productive. Now that I'm working two jobs, I feel overwhelmed all the time! I Can't I just be whelmed!?!? I keep telling myself that it will get better, that I'll adjust, but so far it hasn't happened. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, just overwhelmed. I want to do better in my scripture study, I want to attend more ward activities, I want to do better on my school work, I want to do so many different things, all good things too, I feel torn in a million directions. I feel like I'm treading water, with my head just high enough that I can keep breathing, but feeling panicked the entire time because I can't keep going like this. I guess for now all I can do is keep trying to swim (just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming -- ok, I probably watch too many movies...) Last Sunday the Relief Society lesson was on the talk "Good, Better, Best." But is the best right now to be working rather than studying academically or spiritually. Isn't that backwards? It sure feels that way. So I'm torn, drowning, backwards, and done with my analogies.
I'm also in a social rut, and not because I'm so busy, but because I have no desire to go out. Last weekend I studied, the weekends before that I used being sick as an excuse to not do anything. My social interaction consists of work, church, and an occasional I cream with Katie Lewis. Lame. I don't really feel a desire to change it. I'd rather sit at home and read than talk to people I don't really want to talk to. Now, it isn't because I don't like these people, or that I find them annoying, I just don't want to socialize. Sometimes that is a symptom of my depression, but in this case I think it is just social apathy. I know, or rather, I think I should care that I have no social life, but I really don't mind, most of the time I don't even notice. Is that weird? Probably. Oh well. I'm supposed to be "peculiar," maybe I am in more ways than I thought.